My dad has been waking earlier and earlier to go for work, from six plus till now three plus. Am not sure whether it was the company's intention or my dad's own, but knowing my dad is one of the slowest employees there due to his age, he prefers to be one of the earliest to arrive at the company so he could stock up his van faster and leave for work earlier. Only then would he be able to finish in good time, and come home early to rest.

Each time I thought about this I feel a tug in my heart but today, I feel an extra sense of inadequacy building up. Being a hotheaded adolescent I am, I have always righteously held on to the belief that I have my freedom in passion and interests, and therefore spend lots of time outside, committing my attention and spending money on everything else but home. Now I look at my books and my inability to concentrate and feel unjust about all the money I am sapping from my dad's CPF for my education.

And it's not like my dad has a luxurious job. Recently when he fell sick I was so worried, over him having to work still and that he's going to have a hard time completing the day's work. And I felt even more inadequate thinking that there is no way I can help him other than to make sure I study well and get a job good enough to let my parents have a rest for the remainder of their lives.

And I would lament why my older brothers can't seem to contribute enough, of at all, to relieve the stress in the family, especially on my father. I would blame myself for stubbornly continuing to place my priorities in my own interests.

But what use is there in blaming myself when I'm not doing anything about it? Maybe someday, soon, I gotta accept that chasing dreams is simply something that is not my privilege. I need to sort out my priorities. How long more can my father take his job? How long more can I be in denial before stepping up to the role my brothers cannot fulfill?

Enough of these thoughts.. If I want to start, I need to get back to my books at the very least.

Have a good day at work and be safe, dad.

I won't fall. I forbid myself to. I would think these sources of motivation in life are really only bonuses. And maybe if I were resilient enough, more bonuses will come my way. They are after all subjective.

To think about it, I may already possess many, but they're all hidden behind my curtains of gloom. I'd better pick myself up before I turn into someone I would hate. No self-pity, please. I will not be a hypocrite.